When Reese was born it was the absolute best day of our lives. To have a 7lb 12oz baby girl teach you unconditional love within 20 seconds is a little overwhelming...but that's honestly what happens when you hold that little baby for the first time. You look at them and just know that there is nothing in the world you could ever love more and there is absolutely nothing you wouldn't ever do for them.
On our second day in the hospital, the pediatrician who does the rounds at Memorial came into our room to do Reese's first evaluation. While checking her all over, she nonchalantly asked me, "does anyone else in your family have a thick neck like this?" Not thinking twice about it, I told her no. She, again, nonchalantly said, "oh, well sometimes it's indicative of a type of syndrome... normally Turner's Syndrome." Since she said it so passively, I didn't think much of it. I had never heard of Turner's before so as soon as she left, Zach and I did what any person does in 2011 when they don't know what something is... we Google'd it. Zach read to me it's a type of syndrome that only affects girls and can be pretty bad. It causes them to have webbed skin down their neck, they are typically very short, and they never go through puberty. I was devastated... how could this lady say that to me, then just walk out. I told my ObGyn when she came to check on me and she said she honestly doubted that Reese had Turner's. It made me feel a lot better. When we were discharged from the hospital, we had to go to our pediatrician within the next day because of Reese's jaundice. When Dr. Vadala came in and was going over everything, he mentioned the fact that he wanted us to go back over to the hospital to have her blood drawn to do chromosome testing. That's when I felt sick... the pediatrician at the hospital obviously felt strongly enough about her remarks she made that she consulted our doctor to have this testing done. Zach and I left Texas Children's, and pulled back across the street to Memorial Hermann where we had just been for 4 days living blissfully happy with our baby. This time as we arrived, our attitudes were much different. I couldn't stop crying... even though there was no definite answer as to what was wrong yet, I just had this constant unsure feeling and worry for my sweet little girl. I prayed and prayed that God would make everything ok and give us good test results. They called us back to draw her blood and I lost it. Zach had to sit in the room at first without me because I was pacing up and down the halls bawling my eyes out. I realized I had to pull myself together and get in the room with them. I just held Reese's soft little body still as they poked all over her arms trying to get enough blood to do the testing. She barely cried... I bawled. There was a nice nurse outside our room who was trying to comfort me and said her daughter had to have chromosome testing done. I don't know why, but hearing other people saying they've been through the same awful things, always makes you feel better. It's not that you want it for them, but it's just easier knowing you're not the only one. We left the hospital knowing it was going to take a week for the results to come back.
The next week was the worst by far... it was quite possibly the longest 7 days of my life. I tried so hard to be strong every day and think positive. Even though she had hardly no symptoms for Turner's besides the swollen neck, I was never at peace the whole time we waited. I cried and cried every day. I would just hold her, look at her and think, "there is nothing wrong with her, why am I so upset? She's perfect."
I called the day the results were supposed to be in and all the nurse said was, "since you're coming in tomorrow, Dr. Vadala will just go over them with you then." I didn't know whether it was good news or bad news. I kept telling myself, "she didn't tell me because she's not allowed to do it over the phone whether its good or bad..." Something in my body just new it wasn't going to be good.We woke up the next morning and got ready. It was such a weird feeling.. I kept thinking, "ok, 3 more hours and we'll know...", "ok, 2 more hours and we'll know..." I just kept playing it in my head how it was going to go... how I'd react if he said yes or if he said no. If I'd cry, if I'd pass out. I honestly had no clue how it was going to be. When the nurse opened the door and called Reese's name, I thought, "ok, here we go, we're about to know and my nerves can settle down."
They directed us into our tiny room. They checked her length, weight, and all the normal things they do at a doctors appointment. I couldn't even be excited about the 1 whole pound she gained or the 1/2 an inch she had grown. Dr. Vadala came in the room and sat in his chair as Zach and I sat on the bench. I swear I don't think I even took a breath for the next 2 minutes. I just held Reese in my arms and kept kissing her little forehead. I saw the paper in the doctors hand and kept thinking, "ok, lets get this over with... does she or does she not have Turner's syndrome...." He scooted his chair closer to me... my throat tightened. He pointed to where it said 47 chromosomes (which to me at the time meant nothing)... my heart started racing. Then his finger traced down the page to the two most gut wrenching words I've ever read in my life, "Down Syndrome".... and then my world stopped.
"What? There's no way, what do you mean she has Down Syndrome??" I just couldn't believe it. It was so final... you think of every way possible to tell yourself there's no way it's true and there's something you can do about it... but then it hits you like a ton of bricks when you realize that there in fact is nothing you can do about it. The best way to describe it to people who haven't gone through this or anything similar can understand... is that it's almost like your perfect child you envisioned over the past 9 months passed away and you have a strangers baby. They say before you die your life flashes before your eyes... well when you get news like this, your childs life flashes before your eyes. Mere seconds had passed since Dr. Vadala told us the news and I had already pictured the wedding that would never be, the driver's license that would never be had, and the awful things kids do and say to babies like mine.
Dr. Vadala left the room so we could just be together. I wrapped my arm around Zach and held Reese in between us and let out a sob I'd never sobbed before. My husband... my sweet, sweet husband... He just held me and told me it was going to be ok. I'll never know the pain he felt that day, bless his heart for being so strong for me.
After we left, we called our parents to give them the news. They immediately met us at our house. When they got there we all just sat there and cried. We took turns holding our sweet angel. I text a few of my best friends to give them the news. It was so hard. Dr. Vadala only had to tell Zach and me... but I had to tell Reese's grandparents, aunts, uncles, and all of our best friends who love her so much. It was heartbreaking every time I had to tell someone and they didn't know what to say. I felt bad giving such bad news over and over again. To this day it amazes me the amount of love and support we were shown that day. Not that I didn't know already how much our little family was loved, but I really felt His arms holding us the entire time.
I went through so many different emotions over the next two weeks. I went through all of the grieving phases. I would be angry, happy, mad, then sad... just to wake up the next day and do it all over again. I was angry that my sweet little girls life had been stripped from her, just to turn around and think, "no, she has her life, and her life will be so blissfully happy and in her eyes, better than anyone else's life." I would be mad that all of these other people around me are having all of these healthy babies, just to turn around and think, "yeah, but mine is going to be the special baby who will protect all of her friends as they will protect her." ...and then I would get sad. I would get sad at the thought of Reese never getting to have babies. I would get sad that she would never get to drive a car.... and then... I would realize that she will never know the difference. She will have siblings who will give her nieces and nephews who she will love just like her own. Why would she need a car when she can just drive around with her mama? I get to live every mothers dream... my baby will live with me forever!
I went back and forth with crazy emotions until one day I found out that a dear friend of mine lost her newborn baby. It was that exact moment I decided I wouldn't be sad one more day for Reese or myself. I had my sweet baby there with me and I could hold her, hug, and kiss her...and that's all I needed. That little girl is our Angel and teaches us every day what unconditional love is. She has the biggest fan club I've ever seen. People call me every day to see how Reese is doing... I'm chopped liver these days ;-)
I don't want people to cry for us, or even to be sad. I want people to be happy that this has happened to our family. We are all going to be better people because of this little girl. The blessings and love she is going to bring us haven't even started to be realized yet. We need to thank God that He chose ALL OF US for her to be in our lives. I am so excited to start this journey with her. Any time I start to get upset, I just remind myself of how I felt before I knew and think again, "there is nothing wrong with her, why am I so upset? She's perfect."
